i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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