He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
