How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
