i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
