you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish i was in the wii world.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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