my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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