I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
