happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
