Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
