I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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