youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize