I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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