me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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