This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
