I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
