i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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