You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Randomize
