Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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