i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
