can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize