oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
