I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
