My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
