i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
