I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
