im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
