He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
