she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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