yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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