Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
