i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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