Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
