My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she told me i tasted like america
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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