the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
