Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
