if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
