i think my tv is drunk
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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