You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
