saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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