I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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