my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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