I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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