Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
