My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
