Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
