don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
