Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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