We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
