guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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