Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
