Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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