My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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