I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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