she woke up with a sticky ear
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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