Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
false alarm. still invincible.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
