i was born a porn star she said
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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