Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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